"Trust is what allows us to have meaningful relationships with other people; without it, we cannot converse without wondering whether the person speaks truthfully. You would be unable to believe what another is saying. I do think there are different levels of trust and that being skeptical of many others is wise. Without any trust at all, however, life becomes quite lonely."
I never had issue trusting people. Never. But now i guess i do. I really dont wish my eraser getting smaller and smaller. Especially the eraser that named "Guys".
On a seprate note.. It is Mother's Day today. Happy Mother's Day to all moms. Being a mum is the toughest job in the world. And so, i salute my mum for her dedication to the family. I love you mum, forever. :)
Once or twice
Dug my way out
Blood and fire
Bad decisions
That's alright
Welcome to my silly life
Mistreated this place
Misunderstood
Miss knowing it's all good
It didnt slow me down.
Mistaking
Always second guessing
Underestimating
Look I'm still around
Pretty, pretty please
Dont you ever, ever feel
Like you're less than
Fucking perfect
Pretty, pretty please
If you ever, ever feel
Like you're nothing
You're fucking perfect to me
You're so mean
When you talk
About yourself, you were wrong
Change the voices in your head
Make them like you instead
So complicated
Look how we all make it
Filled with so much hatred
Such a tired game
It's enough
I've done all I can think of
Chased down all my demons
I've seen you do the same
Oh
Pretty, pretty please
Dont you ever, ever feel
Like you're less than
Fucking perfect
Pretty, pretty please
If you ever, ever feel
Like you're nothing
You're fucking perfect to me
The whole worlds scared
So I swallow the fear
The only thing I should be drinking
Is an ice cold beer
So cool in line
And we try, try, try
But we try too hard
And it's a waste of my time
Done looking for the critics
Cause they're everywhere
They don't like my jeans
They don't get my hair
Exchange ourselves
And we do it all the time
Why do we do that?
Why do I do that?
Why do I do that?
Yeeeeaaaahhh
Oooooooh
Oh baby pretty please
Pretty, pretty please
Dont you ever feel
Like you're less than
Fucking perfect
Pretty, pretty please
If you ever, ever feel
Like you're nothing
You're fucking perfect to me
You're perfect, you're perfect
Pretty, pretty please
If you ever, ever feel
Like you're nothing
You're fucking perfect to me
It's kinda silly for me to say such things but when i was younger, guys just want to get into my pants. I dont know why, how that i could have such influence in men but ultimately they just want to get into my pants. I am open in discussing sex issue but that was just to give you boys some tips so you wont be embarrass the next time you sleep with the girl you like. I might be open but i do still need some respects from the guys. Im doing the guys a favour and yet.. i just got slapped on my face over and over again. It might be interesting to you guys but seriously, have you all thought about what will i feel. I am not just someone that you can have free fuck, i am someone that want a guy to treat me seriously.
If you all have been thinking why i treasure my summer so much, because he treated me like a lady. Proper lady.
I'm sick of guys that talked to me in a euphemsim manner. Please guys, dont come hurting me in this manner anymore. I dont know how long i can hold on to the faith i had for love but just dont toy around my sincerity. I am looking for a true gentleman that will treat me properly like a lady and not just some jerks that just want free fuck. There's dozen of girls outside are dying/wanting to get laid, please go to them instead.
On a side note, i think my previous life was a killer that specially kill people that named Michael. Because in this life, the number of Michaels that ive met.. was so many that it became my most common friends name. Or strangely enough, people that named Michael were more attracted to me. Perhaps people that named Michael loves my name.
I'm tired. Good night everyone.
"Dear Cupid, please.. i need a gentleman. No more, really no more guys that will speak to me in an euphemism manner. My fragile heart cant seems to be able to take it anymore. Love you cupid."
It was Emme's 27th birthday yesterday and her wish is to be able to find a significant other soon. We all do wished that for her and for ourselves. But the million dollar question is.. When.
I bumped into the boy that saw me. -> http://www.athenlea.com/2012/02/shooting-star.html
He was with a girl and the next moment before i know, i cried badly again. It hurts, seriously it does and i dont know why. It seems like when the first time i met him, i was crying and the last time i saw him, i cried too. Is that the reason why people say Lust is a sin, lust is evil?
Here we are Isn't it familiar Haven't had someone to talk to In such a long time And it's strange All we have in common And your company was just the thing I needed tonight Somehow I feel I should apologize Cuz I'm just a little shaken By what's going on inside
I should go Before my will gets any weaker And my eyes begin to linger Longer than they should I should go Before I lose my sense of reason And this hour holds more meaning Than it ever could I should go I should go Baby, I should go
It's so hard Keeping my composure And pretend I don't see how Your body curves beneath your clothes And your laugh Is pure and unaffected It frightens me to know so well the place I shouldn't go I know I gotta take the noble path Cuz I don't want you to question The intentions that I have
I should go Before my will gets any weaker And my eyes begin to linger Longer than they should I should go Before I lose my sense of reason And this hour holds more meaning Than it ever could I should go I should go Baby, I should go
I don't mean to leave you with a trivial excuse And when you call tomorrow, I'll know what to do
I should go Before my will gets any weaker And my eyes begin to linger Longer than they should I should go Before I lose my sense of reason And this hour holds more meaning Than it ever could I should go I should go Baby, I should go
As you all know that i have been watching vampire diaries, there's this ability that the vampire can do - compel
If there is such things as compel, i think i might want to be compelled to forget about my summer. It's has been awhile now but i still cant seems to treat him like a normal friend. Everytime when i saw his name, my heart cringes. I cant afford to go through what i had gone through last night - what if the boy is my summer.
If i were to be compel, i will want all my memories of him and the rest of caucasians to be gone. As much as i love the differences in both culture, i dont think i am game for it. Im too fragile and not as open minded as a caucasian. Ive figured that if i stick back to be with Asians, my life will be better and all these emo nemo post will never appear again.
My friend told me that i dont know what i want, i told him that he's right. I really dont know what i want. Currently im experiencing something that i have never felt before - empty. Since young, i always have someone in my mind, be it a bf of that moment or a fling. Right now, there's no one. Occasionally i still miss my summer for awhile but that's all about it.
What went wrong?
1) I didnt hang out as much as before - True. I seldom go out now. I head home straight after work and watch my vampire diaries or surf the net.
2) Even if i hang out, i didnt talk to boys - True. I rarely go chat up with men now. I just wait for them to chat up with me.
3) I'm less active on the net - True. I used to have several accounts and now i just have 1 left. No reason why i decide to only remain 1 account but i guess i just felt tired.
4) I'm burying myself with work- True. Work, family and friends is all taking up my time now (and of course vampire diaries) and i just never initiate to go out with friend's friend or friend's party.
So conclusion, i just decide to ignore this part of my life and carry on with my normal life. I even asked if this is normal and thank god, everyone says that it is. *phew*
I do feel envious when a couple walk passed me. I will miss the feeling of having someone hugging me to sleep, holding my hand, kissing etc etc. But then again, i asked myself how am i going to make a relationship work. Also, how to substain the love. I cant figure out how, i just give up and think singlehood is better. I convinced myself that i still have a lot more things to do in life and if i am being tied down with a bf, i cant possibly do these things anymore.
Someone told me that it need not need to be a sacrificing way of doing it.
True, but i dont think i will ever be so lucky to find someone that is all that i need and also being my best friend, my soulmate when i, myself dont even know what i want.
Conclusion: It's best to know what i want before i blindly fall into a lovey trap again.
Ok, so right now im watching Vampire Diaries for awhile now and i absolutely loving it. It makes me feel more young actually. Haha~
Supposed to go to Phuket for Songkran on Thursday but ive decide to cancel the trip because of the 8.7 Sumatra earthquake.
He was in indonesia when the earthquake happened. I was soooooo worried because he was staying by the sea. Called the hotel that he was supposed to be staying but he wasnt there. He went for a homestay instead. But now he's back and im glad that he's safe and sound.
I hasnt let go of him did i. I dont know why but when i thought i had let go, i realised i do still miss him occasionally. Remember i did blogged before that i thought my autumn has arrived and i can finally say goodbye to summer? Things didnt worked out and im back to summer's period again. It seems like Summer was really what im looking for in a bf (except a bad habit of his) and that's it. That's all im looking for yet i cant find anyone that's similar anymore. I decide to write out my criteria for a bf:
Behaviours: 1) Someone that has good scent - No body odor, no bad breathe, no stinky feet, no bad bed smell. (trust me, some guys will just have that kind of "bed's smell" that is really very unpleasant.
2) Someone that has good hygience - ok, i admit. Im a clean freak. I kinda have those little habits like i wont lie down on my bed when i hasnt shower, when im wearing my dirty clothes. Washing my hand and feet is the first time i do when i reached home.
3) Someone that has good toilet ettiquettes - Showering etiquettes just simply means: No peeing while showering (Hey, there's guys doing that when they shower alright!), pee drips all over the seat cover when peeing and have no courtesy to wash it off, never flushed after they have done their business, never bother to refill the toilet paper when he's the last person to finish the rolls.
4) Someone that cleans up the house - I cant stand dirty plates in the sink or trashbin is so full that you can smell the stench that comes out from the bin already. Obviously it's there for days. Bedsheet hasnt been cleaned for the past 2 weeks or the clothes has been piling there for days. I mean all these chores are something to prove if the guy are lazy or a born procastinator that he will think these things will automatic be done the next day he wakes up. So being with this kind of guy makes me feel like he's just treating me like a fuckable maid.
Characteristic: 5) Someone that is not boastful, snobbish, full of himself, narrow-minded, self centred, low esteem, disrespectful, unfilial, liars, unromantic, spendthrift, caring, selfish, egoistic, ungrateful, unfaithful, irresponsible, judgemental, dull, boring, illiterate - Trust me, ive met someone like this before. OK, not all but at least he has checked about 15 of these behaviours. I just want a guy that is not all above and of course, with a touch of smartness. Street-smart, not those smartie smart please. Smartie smart = boring to me. *yawn* In another word: I want the guy to be humble, confident, respectful, filial, romantic, caring, faithful, interesting, spontaneous, street-smart. (is that a lot to ask for? - maybe.)
6) Someone that has good and morally right ambition - Who will like a guy when he say:"My ambition is to the company CEO and im willing to sell my whole family just to be that sucessful." Hello~~~ This is so wrong.
7) Someone that take good care of his health - Seriously, i dont want my husband to die that young. I dont want to be a widow so soon.
Appearance: 8) Someone that is not that big sized - Im not that skinny but i think i still fall under the category: Petite. I'm not trying to be mean to say big sized guys wont be loved or those that has some flaws in appearance is ugly. I can understand the pain for those that have flaws in appearance. It's not their call to have flaws - who want to be ugly if they were given a choice. Im not pretty either but i am guilty to call myself a visual creature. (Well, at least i owned up) Perhaps i'll be the fool because there is a lot of gentle giants out there, but im really sorry.. I cant.
9) Someone that is not too hairy - Even though i always love werewolves but hey, they only turned every full moon. So thanks but no thanks, i prefer average hair volumn kind of boys.
10) Someone that is a difference race from me - Ok, i hear you~ Must be thinking that im one of those SPGs (*sarong party girls, better known as ‘SPGs’, who crave white men of any shape, size or intellect which is also a mental image of a long-haired, scantily-clad money-grubbing Asian wannabe tai-tai, who exclusively dates Caucasians only) but HELLO~ Im not money grabbing. I dont care what job he has and yes, i do care about the intellectual of the guy~ So nope, im not a SPG. If i am, i would have been attached for the longest time. Duh. I just like guys that has different culture from mine, that is independent and expressive. Not to say chinese men cant do it, but ive only met one before however, we didnt last till the day we decide to walk the aisle.
11) Someone that is not that tall - Im only 1.56cm, of course i prefer shorter boys. Perhaps a 1.74 is fine for me.
13) Someone that has curve dick - After ive tried it, i think it is really my kind of dick. LOL.
14) Someone that is not too big/too long - Prefer size: 6 - 6.5 inches. Hey, im not into fisting so i dont need long and big dicks. LOL.
15) Someone that knows how to respect women in bed - Some guys only care about themselves in bed. So long they cum, who cares about the woman. I'll never want to meet this kind of boy. *flipping the bird*
16) Someone that will cuddle - This is my favourite part. Which women doesnt like to be cuddle? Women has higher oxytocin than men, dont deny it.
Jobs: 17) Someone that is arty farty - Ok, this is just good to have, not a must have. I like guys that are arty farty, that uses the right brain more than left. But as i mentioned. this is just good to have.
You have come to the end of my list. So, am i fussy or im asking for the sky? I know im not because.. My summer has it all - Except he scores 20 out of 21 under point 5.
I hear you again - when i asked for all those points above, i do also have to know that if i myself can be like that as well. I think i am for majority points but there's always rooms for improvement. Im not perfect and i will definitely try for the sake of the relationship.
So yes, i will keep looking and looking and looking - until im gonna be on the shelf for the longest time. :(
There's this thing in me - that i usually dont add people that i really love in my facebook. I dont allow them to add me as well.
Because my heart will not be able to take it that i am not there when he is having fun.
I want to be there with him, laugh with him, be happy together with him. I really want to, really do. :(
Once, a book for relationship says:"Usually the healing period depends on how many years you two are together. If you are together for a 3 years, the healing period will be 3 months. 4 years, 4 mths." So, by right i should have healed last year but why hasnt i feel that ive passed that stage. Perhaps, he's the unique one.
"I missed you. And i know i should keep a distance from you but you are always there for whenever im sad. I wished i have never fall for you before.. because now i know how lonely it is to be without you."
Yes, congratulations to myself because i've got promoted - Assistant Manager. It's only acting now and official is coming in the later half of the year. Never thought that i will be having managerial title associated with my name but yeah, i definitely feel kinda proud for myself. :)
Just feel like saying:
- Sometimes, you just met the person at the wrong place, the wrong time and there's no 2nd chance to mend up the mistaken impression.
How i wish i can properly introduce myself so i wont be mistaken as someone with another different lifestyle. But things always happen for a reason, right?
I am Athenlea. Nothing special about me. Just someone who enjoys solitudes and the loves of everybody. I live the way i want and i absolutely enjoys it. Hearts symphonic musics, arts and my friends alway says im a right brainy. Read on my blog and you will know me more. Enjoy.
